I am sitting here watching the slow movement of the band saw through the aluminum. My eyes glaze over watching the trickle of coolant through the metal shavings, and my mind begins to wander to the vague emotions running through my veins…
Indecision: It has been a long day, getting up too early, finding the plans I was looking forward to have been canceled, making unappreciated cookies, spending to many hours on my feet. I don’t want to leave with so much work still to do and not so many people there to help, but hate staying. Afraid that I am staying for the wrong reasons. I want to hang out with my friends, who I haven’t seen all weekend, but want to help and be a good friend in a different sort of way…
Insanity/Insecurity: I wish that I would get hurt so that I would have an excuse to get away from it all. Like now, if I put my hand in the band saw and had to be rushed to the hospital. Whoa, wait a minute, that’s a little extreme. Then I realize the real reason I want to get hurt is so that people will pay attention to me. Attention! what kind of selfish talk is this? From me? I’m, by nature, an extraordinarily introverted. I never do anything for attention. And, if I ever really got what I think I want, well I would hate it, and I know it…
Disappointment: I had hoped for something different today. I had looked forward to it. Today was good in its own right, nothing much to complain of, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I have also begun to hope for something which is very distant and very assured. Very likely to cause me pain in the future no matter which way it turns out. Why can’t I be happy with the blessing I do have, without always wanting more?
The coolant comes back into focus, and the blade is nearing the mark. My mind and hands return to more corporeal tasks as life resumes it’s natural pace. Much has been done today, and tomorrow is new. Comfortable friends and easy laughter await. Who knows what is to come. Accomplishment is the feeling that I am left with, and this is nothing to be blue about.
